I don't wanna post this

From the moment these memories are written into the pages of our hearts,
we all become authors.

Our stories are manifested into each and every crease in our bodies,
and in the exhaustion of our eyes.

Tales of love and despondency manipulated their way into your body
with every pulsation of a beating heart.

Each one of us contain a million stories,
yet almost all of us are kept silent with the fear of telling a story "unworthy" of another author.

And I'll be honest here,
I don't feel worthy to any of you.

And maybe no one is reading this
Maybe no one really cares
But I still fear your judgement

Im trying to be brave,
but I fear that the stories etched into my soul may not be enough

So please, read my words with caution

And please don't be too disappointed in what they have to say to you.

Thank you for allowing me to feel good here,
for giving me a place to let out the words I could never really say

Thank you

                  Thank you

                                 Thank you

                                                   Thank you

Yours truly,

 Megan Williams
 (Heisenburg)
 (The hedgehog girl)
 (Mega-turd)

to my 10 year old self:

You'll be disappointed in what can happen in just eight years.

You might not like where eight years takes you.

You will have more bad days than good ones,

but you'll meet some really cool people along the way.

People will make fun of you for dressing like a jedi for Halloween,

and they'll make fun of the way your teeth look

and tell you that your forehead is too big.

But you'll be okay.

You'll go through heartbreak, you'll wish you could be somebody else.

You won't like the way you look or talk. 

You will never get any better at singing. 

But you'll be okay.

You'll meet some rad people.

You will kiss strangers and smoke cigarettes by the fire.

It might not be the kind of future you've pictured all these years,

you won't turn out the way you thought,

but you'll be okay.

You'll meet the greatest friends in the world, people you don't even know exist yet.

And you'll have a lot of weird adventures and funny stories to tell.

You'll get your teeth fixed eventually and they'll stop calling you a beaver, I promise.

You will get your drivers liscence and trust me you will get a lot of tickets.

But you'll have a car. 

And that car can take you anywhere.

You will fall in love

And you will fall on your face

But you'll be okay.

You might not like where eight years takes you.

Birthdays aren't quite as exciting as they used to be.

Cigarettes kill you.

Falling in love kills you.

Growing up kills you a little bit.

BUT YOU'LL BE OKAY.

I know you might be disappointed.

I know if you were real, if you were still here,
if you could see what eight years did to you,

You'd probably cry a little bit.

I know a lot can change 

But I'm okay.
I'm okay
I'm okay

We'll be okay

the twelve months living inside of me

Lonely is January
He's never quite there until he leaves
He's hanging over your head and begging you not to let him fall
He waits for you to move,
ties ropes to your fingertips and slides down your walls

Longing is February
She's dipping herself into gasoline and running toward open fire,
waiting for her eyes to light up
She wraps chains around your ankles and tells you about love
She waits for you to run at her
You never do

Angry is March
He leaves you covered in bruises but he's just trying to love you
He doesn't know much about self love,
and he takes that out on you
He drags you around
and doesn't stop until you are nothing but skin and bones

Shy is April
She smiles from across the room but never meets your eyes
She is soft and timid,
and she will hang around you like a ghost

Seduction is May
She'll dance around you in a little black dress
with her rosy thighs and a waist made of thorns
She drops her leaves into your hair and convinces you that a mess is beautiful

Lust is June
She kisses you as if shes trying to breathe the air right out of your lungs
She is summer sweat and high tops
She is pressing against your skin
She teaches you about how to make a fire and how to climb trees

Heartache is July
He tells you he loves you when he needs to hear it back
He wants you to save him but he's the one holding your head under water
He's wondering why you stopped breathing
He'll stick to you for months and you can't get him off your skin

Uncertainty is August
She shifts back and forth in your life like rain
She is open fires and canyon fires and fires on the stove
She's waiting to see you burn yourself trying to hold her down
She only takes and never gives anything back

Vanity is September
He stands over your head and makes you beg for him
You believe you are nothing in his absence,
and so you drown yourself in him
until you forget what its like to breathe in open air

Greedy is October
He is bones that never stop breaking
He dips his fingers in your heart and he always wants more
You carry him around inside of you,
and he grabs onto anything that shows him love

Regret is November
She's got her head in her hands and she never stops screaming
Everything she sees is in black and white,
and she teaches you this way
She teaches you that nothing ever goes forgotten

Closure is December
She is soft and warm and holds you when you need it
She tells you she is going to leave eventually
You understand,
because you've loved her and lost her too many times before to let it break you again

more than a number

I am more than a number

-

but a size zero makes me feel better than a size four

so i sit here in jeans

that leave red marks on my hips

and make it hard to breathe.

but see its a few inches and..

-

I am more than just a number

-

but i know every test score i ever got,

and i still remember fourth grade

and question three

and crying because suddenly my mistakes had weight

and i couldn't fix things by saying sorry and..

-

I am more than a number

-

but I've always been the second choice

never first picked at recess

always the not-quite

not the best friend to anyone,

just a girl with kind eyes and jeans that are a little bit too tight and..

-

I am more than a number

-

to you i am eighteen, eleven and two

and lets be clear, its the two that haunts me

because sex doesn't matter

and i wish i was more to you than just another..

-

I am more than a number

-

except i still remember how i came in fourth place

the "oh, so close" place

the place thats good, but not good enough for a ribbon

and i still check for how many comments i get on my blog every five minutes

one, two, four, seven...

-

But I am more than a number

-

you'll probably remember me as the girl who sat in the third row

or you'll remember me being number four in the race. 

but i'd rather be remembered as the one who changed things

maybe after one, two, four, seven drinks i won't remember you.

-

baby I'm more than a number

i ain't never scared

I'm afraid of being overbearing

of people disliking me and laughing behind my back

I'm afraid of people in general.

I'm afraid of failing my math test next period

and afraid of failing a drug test 

and afraid of failing my parents

I'm afraid of falling for someone again

of being used again.. 

I fear life more than I fear death

and that scares me a little bit

I'm afraid of you

and of blowing my nose in public.

I'm afraid of gaining weight

and God, I am so afraid of heights.

Speaking of god,

I'm afraid of the 50 year old women dressed like teenagers that try to get me to go to church every Sunday.

I'm afraid of raising my hand in class

I fear others judgement

I'm afraid to talk to the cute guy at work.

I'm afraid I might not be there to help you this time around.

I fear saying goodbye

not being good enough

not being remembered.

I'm afraid of people reading all of my thoughts on a blog

and I'm afraid of not knowing how to end a blog post

so this will have to do

...

and i think that some of my worst moments

have been those seconds where everything collapses.

after being strong for so long,

the bricks fall down into a pile

of broken rubble.

I know mirrors can't tell anything more 

than whats on the outside,

but i guess i was trusting on the mirror to see inside my mind

now something inside me says,

"you're not doing as well

as you thought you were"

i may not be as broken as i thought i was,

but the glue i was using 

to try and stick my pieces back together

isn't holding anymore.

life & death

I first saw death at the age of four

He whisped past me,

But I was too young to understand.

I couldn't see his hands wrapped tightly around my dads throat.

I watched death for months

The way he turned my father into someone else 

But one day he disappeared

Just like that he was gone, and we were safe.

Death later visited me again at seven,

as I watched my dog pass into eternities slumber.

After so many years with her by my side, the loss was shattering.

How could death take her away from me?

When I close my eyes I still feel her soft fur between my fingertips.

Later on, at fourteen, death hit me like a brick.

The cells in his body started to multiply and wouldn't stop.

They told us there was only today or tomorrow,

Please, please don't take him away from me.

We never speak about how his last breaths sounded like train wrecks 

or how his passing meant months of grey.

Just about his smile and laughter and how he could cure any bad day.

Death came unnanounced again at fifteen.

Hearing the news late that August night,

I swear I could hear the shattering hearts for miles.

I could picture his glasses and hear his soft sweet voice, 

I remembered how he looked out for me.

Death told me that time heals and time takes, though

he failed to mention this empty void in the middle of my chest that doesn't go away.

Death visited again, only last week.

For a second I forgot how to breathe

Like my lungs didnt have anything left 

Last week death hit,

and he hit hard

like the clashing of cymbals and blaring of horns. 

 I think he woke us all up a little bit.

I know that death will take me into his grasp one day.

Some days I pray that day will be tomorrow

and other days I dream of living forever.

Some days I have hundreds of reasons to stay

but others I can't seem to think of one.

But i'll smile and nod and laugh

like breathing comes easy

beacause life & death are my friends

and their winds can't tear me apart