astronaut

I know that am composed of faulty memories
and endless universes.

I am blighted, wrecked and sinking.

I know my hands are shaking

but I'm holding galexies beneath my skin

and they're threatening to break through.

I wish I knew all that the universe held.

All it is composed of.

I mean the night sky is luminous,

breathtaking, infinite, cold and sharp.

There are endless dark skies and starry galexies

I do know that there is dark matter in me,

fragile matter; all-the-things-that-dont-but-really-do-matter

and its all hidden beneath a fake smile.

My tired eyes see pieces of my vulnerability

in the scattered stars above.

The universe is too big and too fast moving to stop and realize that I am dissolving piece by piece into nothing.

and one day you'll reach out at the place I once stood,
but you'll touch only air.

And im gone right before your eyes.

I am now simply just a whisper in the night skies

bricks and so much more

This is a post dedicated to someone very close to me. I also want it to serve as a reminder to whoever is reading to treat everyone with love. Everyone is fighting their own personal battle. Just be kind.

//She was alone, and

bricks were the only ones

who spoke to her.

So she one day couldn't help but listen.

The bricks began to consume her,

they nibbled away at her soul day by day.

No one could see what she hid under her sleeves.

No one saw her rotting chest or the bruises on her brain.

She disappeared inside of herself without a trace.

Her bones crumble in your touch

Her eyes glazed,

breathing shallow.

She was alone

She was terrified

She learned that sadness had no color

but it was the silence that filled her ears

and the sound of her heart beating

at 3am.

She was drowning

And the bricks continued dragging her

deeper and deeper

Until there was nothing left 

an apology

I'm sorry that my constant self deprecation is too much for you,

That my pain is exhausting.

I'm just                                                                                                            I'm just

            trying                                                                                           trying

                      to be                                                                            to be

                             good                                                               good

                                     enough                                          enough

I'm trying.

But for some reason, lately the only things I seem to be good at are:

Pushing people away, and pissing off everyone else.

I'm doing my best here.

And so I'm sorry that I wasn't enough for you, that I'm not enough for anyone.

And sorry I haven't been acting like myself lately.

I'm sorry that I cheated on my chemistry final, and I'm sorry to that cute boy who had to watch me fall (not graciously) flat on my face today.

I'm sorry I can't seem to do anything right these days.

I search and search for the right words to say, though they never seem to surface.

But I'm still trying.

I'm bad at apology notes and keeping friends and for that I am sorry.

Sorry for having the audacity to think I was important to you.

To anyone.

I'm sorry if I annoy  you, it's just that you're the only person who's made me fall asleep smiling for the first time in months.

I'm sorry to everyone else who's in hell in these halls.

We'll be out soon.

I know I don't belong here,

I'm sorry I'm dragging you down with me.

High school can be a bitch.

Sorry I just said bitch.

I'll do my best to stay out of your way.

sea of LOVE- cat power

 

ROBOT

Maybe it's inevitable. 

As we all grow older, we slowly lose ourselves a little bit. Our lives begin to fade and turn into a monotonous shade of gray.

I dream of growing up and remaining purely human. I dream of a colorful future.

But in the future we get lost in day to day routines, stuck behind the inescapable crippling bars of a desk job. 

Stuck in an endless sorrow, we become ROBOTS..

So for now.. for now I want to stay young. to remain human.

I am still a human being and I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to end up as another plastered product of this society

I'm not perfect, none of us are I guess.

I get lost sometimes, but I'm still a sucker for those deep blue eyes that always seem to find a way back into my mind. 

I've had my heart broken, I'm afraid of growing up, I cry in my car and I take naps like it's my job. I'm far from perfect. I have feelings and hormones and taste buds that crave cookie dough.

and yeah, I'm HUMAN..

I want to travel the world and learn to fly.
I want to walk the streets of Paris and explore the jungles in South America. 

I want to create and destroy things and learn about what's really important,

I want to learn how to live my life and how to love myself. 

So please, don't let me succumb to this colorless lifestyle. Let me stay human. 

Teach me how to overcome the future, to know what it truly feels like to be free.
 Teach me something quick before I, myself fade away into this painfully dull, corporate world

empty

It's hard not to feel empty when those same eyes that once looked at me as if I were made of entire galaxies now see right through me

You played me like I was one of your stupid video games..

and I lost

so I think a congratulations is in order

for you have won,

you've won this hell of a grudge

you've won all of the curse words I scream into the emptiness, as I sit

pretending that you are listening to each and every word that escapes me

this is for the you that I never fell in love with

the person you turned into.

and I'm holding my breath for you,

realizing that a "light year" is not a unit of length

but actually the spaces that keep me from those damn city lights on your skin

and you've left me feeling EMPTY

like all of my organs and bones have dissolved

like all the blood has drained from my veins.

There is an emptiness from when you'd keep me up past 3am.

You still keep me up sometimes

You brought me out of hell

just to throw me right back in again.

And that little taste of heaven, 

oh god,

that was you

I cannot sleep tonight

So now i walk around with caution tape tightly wrapped around my heart

and I'm having a hard time learning how to breathe again

my lungs ache

my limbs feel weak

You've left me trapped somewhere in this painful dance between a beautiful recovery and this need to just let go,

to let go and paint these empty streets with whatever is left of me

please, just let me sleep