I just want you to know

1. I just want you to know,
that after everything we went through I wouldn't take any of it back
that I still love and care for you more than anyone knows
I want you to know that I don't pray, but when I do it's usually about you
I hope you're okay
I'm sorry for all of the pain that I have caused

2. I just want you to know,
I've made a lot of mistakes and you've always been there to help me push through them
I'm sorry you feel that you have to leave
but I want you to know that I know what I'm doing
and I'm sorry I keep fucking up
I hope we'll be okay
just know I love you dearly friend

3. I just want you to know,
since the day I met you, you've been my rock
you understand me in a way that no one ever has,
you love me in a way that makes me stronger
you're the only thing that makes sense
I'm sorry we messed up so many times
I hope we can work things out one day

4. I just want you to know,
I've never told you the truth for a reason
everything I do is to protect you from getting hurt
you're the greatest blessing in my life
I'm sorry you don't know much about who I really am
I hope you never find out

5. I just want you to know,
I miss you every day
I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had never met you
I've never met someone so pure
and I'm sorry if you are disappointed in what I've become
I hope I'll see you again soon best friend

6. I just want you to know,
you're the only one keeping me sane right now
meeting you was such a blessing
and I'll forever be grateful
I honestly don't know where I'd be without you
I'm sorry I spilled a drink on your floor that one time

7. I just want you to know,
even though nothing is really the same these days,
I know I can always count on you
I love you and I love everything about our friendship
I don't know what I would've done if I never had you by my side
I'm sorry we don't talk as much
just know that I love you

Shadows

You looked kinda like sunshine does in the winter
After seeing nothing through the dark clouds for weeks,
Theres that moment when the light peeks though and reflects on the snow

Yeah maybe it's still cold outside but god at least theres hope to give you something to hold out for.

And that was you,
You know?

You were those little yellow flowers I saw growing through the cracks on the sidewalk on my way home from school the day that I failed my math test
You were the good parking lot on a way too crowded street
You were the green lights and the glory days and that one night I got all my homework done in one hour instead of four.
You were everything that made it all seem alright

But I think I was wrong to think so much of  you.

Often times people are not really how you picture them
And maybe I didn't look at you hard enough to see past those rose colored hues falling around you
And somehow, you are nothing that I thought you were and everything I knew you'd be
Because you're not here anymore for reasons understandable to everyone else but still unfathomable to me.

I just don't know whats worse,

That you want to stay, but don't feel like you should- or maybe that you really just want to leave, but you aren't sure that you could.

I guess it's all just sad
It's sad because you were the sunshine in the rain,
and you don't even want me enough to fight to stay.

What I don't understand is why I can never be something that is good enough for you.

Or anyone else for that matter.

I used to think you were like Spring, and that with you it could only get better.
But then I cried when you said goodbye
And I realized that you were still a part of Winter

#realtalk

If you really knew me you would know that I am an 18 year old girl who just doesn't seem to fit in

I'm no poet
And I'm not a writer

I'm just another 18 year old girl trying to make it for one more week

If you knew me, you'd know that these past 3 years have been hell

And, #sorrynotsorry
But I dont think I'll miss any of you too much when I'm gone

I'm not gonna miss these world class wooden desks and plastic chairs

I won't miss the world class fake smiles and judgmental stares

I won't miss that world class 1% low fat strawberry milk in the vending machines

Or the puke green lockers lining the hallways

And I can promise you I'm not going to miss Amy Summers college prep class

I won't miss factoring equations
Or getting in trouble for talking during class

I won't miss you

If you knew me you would know that I am just another 18 year old girl

And I'm sorry but
#realtalk
I couldn't be happier there's only one week left

written for you forever ago

Look, I know we haven't really talked in weeks,
but today is your birthday.

And I know that nothing is the same these days,
but today is your birthday.

At this time just last year, you and I were different people than we are now.

At this time just last year, I would've done anything to make your birthday a good one.
And I did.

But its 11:47p.m. and your birthday isn't over quite yet
and I haven't wished you a happy birthday.

Maybe it's because you didn't say a word to me when I turned 18...
Maybe it's because every blog post you write breaks my heart all over again
Maybe it's because I know I don't matter anymore.

Maybe it's because I miss the sound of your voice
probably a little bit more than I should.

I don't owe you a thing,
you fucked me up and you put me here and
today is your birthday.

I know we haven't really talked in weeks,
but happy birthday.

heart of mine

we still exist
in the forgotten promises
in the unfulfilled plans
we continue to live
in the first break of dawn
in the last rays of sun
though we perished
we are still alive
in the sleepless nights
and summer sky
in the unspoken words
and the untold dreams
though we didn't survive
the memories still live
in this heart of mine

reasons to write

Right now I'm writing because this past week has been different.
Because I didn't need a bottle of pills on the edge of my nightstand to feel okay.

I'm writing because I haven't really written anything in a while,
I don't know if thats your fault, or simply just because I'm happy.

I'm writing because the snow has stopped falling,
and this air is a little bit easier on my lungs.

And because the mountains are the only things standing still.
Everything else, especially the clouds, are moving much faster than I would like.

I'm writing because I don't have much to say.
all I know right now is that life is kind of strange, kind of passing by.

And these colors are more real than they've ever been before

But right now I'm writing because this past week has been different
because I've finally found something.

Because you've given me a reason to stick around here a while longer.
you made the snow stop falling
you put a cap on the bottle, and closed up the eager boxes,
and given me eyes

I'm writing because at least the mountains are standing still in all this chaos

I REMEMBER

I remember the wooden swing set out back,

and watching it rust and rot over many years untouched.

That swing set brought summertime to life when I was younger.

My dad tore it down a couple years ago.

I remember the first pet I ever had. 

I fell in love with Flubber the fish and he died only 3 days later.

I remember believing in Santa Claus and God,

and I remember the day I learned that "Claus" wasn't spelled "Clause".

I remember the life changing brown eyes of my best friend,

I remember our last conversation.

I was sitting in my bedroom eating frosted flakes when they told me what happened.

I remember when he gave me a pink purse and sour patch watermelons for my birthday in first grade.

I remember the red bridge at the park,

Moose-bitch, Benjamin, Janet,

Laying beneath the starry sky.

I also remember you walking home alone.

And I'll never forget that first summer.

But I wish I could forget this last January...

I wish I could forget the way you lost control.

I don't want to remember the summer that I lost 37lbs,

or the girl that helped me get there.

I don't want to remember the boy that stole away my self confidence,

or the days spent alone.

I remember the kind hearted boy that sat next to me all year in seminary,
the way he always looked out for me.
I remember singing at his funeral.

I remember the wooden swing set out back,

and watching it rust and rot over many years untouched.

That swing set brought summertime to life when I was younger.

My dad tore it down a couple years ago.